Guard My Heart Read online

  “I can see you are trying, but a kid in school can’t take care of a family on earnings of $10 a day. If you change your mind, come find me at the warehouse tonight at ten,” Pete says before he revs his new Ranger and drives off, leaving me standing in the dust.

  ***

  Jenna looks sweet in a yellow sun dress with a big straw hat on her head. Her honey blonde curls hang loose down her back. Images of me running my fingers through those curls and pulling her closer until my mouth tastes hers, run through my mind. I want too. But I can’t. I don’t want to scare Jenna away. There’s an innocence about her I’d rather not change. And I’m no good for her.

  She should lose herself to a man who can look into her big, sea-blue eyes and tell her he will love her forever. And that man should mean every second of that, forever. I can’t do that. Not yet. I'm just an eighteen year old with the world on his shoulders.

  I sneak up behind Jenna, careful not to let my boots crunching on the gravel give me away. When I’m sure she’s not going to spot me, I slip my hands over her eyes. She squeaks and bolts up straight but then immediately goes dead still. A slight panic rises in my throat; her elbow is right in line with my nuts. I don’t want to be spewing them all over her perfect lawn like some happy gumball machine.

  “I know it’s you, Kyle,” she speaks unexpectedly. I don’t answer, but she doesn’t seem fazed by my silence. She really knows it’s me. I exhale loudly. Glad that no attack is being planned on my manhood.

  “You can stand here in silence all day, or you can just say hi. Or you know what, stay silent and keep your hands over my eyes. The sun is really bright,” she says sounding amused.

  I chuckle and place a quick kiss on her soft rosy cheek. Just a tiny peck, something you would give a friend you haven’t seen in a while. Only I just saw her yesterday, and the day before, and the day before that. So I really don’t have a reason to kiss her except that I want to.

  Her soft, creamy skin turns pink with embarrassment. Sweet. Jenna is too sweet. I could break her heart in a second if I accepted it. And she has offered it. But I’m not worthy yet. And the second that changes, she’ll know.

  For now I keep our relationship in the friends-but-you-know-we-can-be-more category.

  “Hi babe, what you doing?” I ask. I’m being stupid because I can see she’s digging little holes for seeds.

  “Just the laundry,” she says smirking at me.

  “Smart ass. That mouth is going to get you into trouble one day.” And as an afterthought I add “Maybe today.”

  She looks at my mouth and then quickly drops her chin to hide her blush. Sweet Jenna just thought about kissing me. I think about kissing her all the time. Really kissing her. Not this cheek-pecking nonsense. A proper tongue-fest kiss.

  I shake my head to clear the haze of hormones and sit down next to her.

  We don’t say anything to each other. It’s a comfortable silence. I help her to dig some more holes, and we share the seeds among them. I collect the can and fill it, to water the freshly planted seeds. While Jenna waters the seeds, I pick up the empty packet. It looks so out of place in the neat garden. A piece of litter on Jenna’s perfect lawn. I spot the garbage bag she used to clean up all the loose leaves and stuff and deposit the empty packet inside. When I turn around, Jenna is standing with the tipped watering can in her hand, ready to soak me. I shake my head in a do-not-dare motion, but her eyes sparkle brighter, and I know she’s definitely going to do it. She shakes the can in my direction, but the water only sloshes lazily over the opening. She laughs and runs towards me, splashing my left side. I jump forward stretching my arms out to catch her.

  “Jeez, that’s cold,” I say shocked.

  “I’m sorry, it seemed like a fun idea at the time,” she giggles from a safe distance.

  I storm toward her and grab her around the waist, tickling her.

  “No, Kyle. Stop, that tickles,” she laughs.

  “Well if you didn’t think I needed a shower in your front yard, I wouldn’t have to do this,” I say, tickling her some more.

  “If you took a shower this morning, I wouldn’t feel obligated to remind you of your hygiene,” she says seriously, but the twinkling in her eye gives her away.

  “Ha, I’ll remember to shower first then visit. Don’t complain when hygiene gets in the way of planting seeds,” I say tickling her again.

  This time, Jenna turns in my arms, and her mouth ends up inches away from mine. Her blue eyes trap mine, and even though I’m holding onto her, I can’t step away. I can’t escape her blue gaze. I don’t want to fight this anymore. We should be the perfect effing neighborhood couple. Instead, we both pine away for each other.

  My hand reaches up without permission, and I tuck an escaped curl behind her ear. That same treacherous hand cups her cheek, and my thumb smoothes over her bottom lip.

  “I want to kiss you,” I tell her. I want to so bad. I can almost taste her. Her breath on my lips isn’t enough anymore. If anything, it makes me feel more deprived. More starved. Jeez, these teenage hormones are really kicking in now.

  “Then kiss me,” she says, moving up on her tiptoes and closer to me.

  I wish I could, but instead, I let her go and step away from her. I flash her a fake smile and keep it frozen in place even when I see her heart break in her eyes. I don’t comfort her. I don’t tell her it will be okay. Instead I walk away.

  ***

  Why am I here? I’m standing in front of the warehouse. I’m not sure if I’m going to go in. No one can see me where I’m standing in the shadows, dressed all in black. I look like a serial killer ready to pounce on an unsuspecting victim.

  Headlights light up the corner I’m standing in, so I take a step back. It’s a green Chevy. Three guys get out and walk up to the door. Another guy opens the door and looks around before letting them in. It’s all cloak and daggers, and I feel like I’m stuck in a Bond movie. If that’s true, their thermal image cameras have already spotted me. I wouldn’t make a very good spy. Lucky for me that’s not why I’m here.

  It’s almost 10. I should leave. I turn around toward the street, but images of Mia and Mom flash in my mind. So I turn toward the door instead. One time. I will do this once; maybe make enough to tide us over for the month. After that I will offload trucks until my hands fall off or my back breaks, whichever happens first.

  I knock on the door. Once, twice, three times. It sounds empty on the other side. I can hear the echo taunting me, but at the same time, it seems to draw me closer, begging me to follow the sound. It’s the same building I work at twice a week during the day, but somehow, at night time, it looks different. Maybe it’s because I’m using a different entrance, maybe it’s because, shrouded in shadows, it looks dangerous.

  The same man who first unlocked the door opens it. “Yes?” he asks. He is big and burly, and I haven’t seen him around the warehouse before.

  “Pete asked me to come,” I say.

  “Pete isn’t expecting anybody tonight,” the big guy says, looking at me like I’m a bug that needs to be squashed. I don’t want to be squashed. In fact, I prefer my messy bedhead safe and sound on my shoulders.

  “Go ask him. Tell him I’m here. He will know who you are talking about,” I say with more courage than I feel.

  “No. Now leave or I will make you,” he threatens, taking a menacing step forward.

  I’m going to get myself shot, and I should take a step back, but instead I move forward. If I’m lucky, it will be a quick and painless death.

  “Call. Pete. Now,” I bite out, staring into the man’s dark eyes. I might have lost my mind. I normally avoid confrontations. I get enough of that at home. But I’m here now. And this guy is stubborn as hell. I’m going through with whatever it is Pete wanted to see me about even if I have to knock the big guy out. I’m already checking out his weak spots. How he carries his weight on his left leg, indicating that he favors his right side. That’s where he’ll swing from.

  Ev
en though I’m watching the big guy closely, waiting for him to strike or call Pete, the first blow he delivers is lightning fast. I try to dodge it, but the shot lands on my shoulder. Damn guy has a heavy punch. I swing my right fist out and hit him in the jaw. The next shot I land in his gut, and the air whooshes out of him. He stumbles back, but I don’t let up. If he gets up and shoots me, its game over for me. I walk over to him and kick him in the stomach. Street smart. Who needs a black belt in karate when you have a fan belt in kick-ass, right? It’s a coward move, never kick a man when he’s down. You’ve won; you’ve made your point, now walk away. That’s what coach always says. But life teaches you differently. And this situation calls for different, not honorable.

  “Pete?” I call down the hall, making my presence known. Taking out the door thug is one thing, walking into a room full of unsuspecting drug dealers is another. I don’t want to die. I’ll mean nothing to Mia and Mom if I’m dead.

  “Pete!” I shout louder when the big guy starts moaning and cussing at my feet.

  Pete and three guys come around the corner. They stop when they see the guy lying on the floor. The three guys in the back start laughing, but Pete doesn’t look happy. He scowls at his door thug and then looks at me.

  “Did you do this?” Pete asks looking annoyed.

  I shrug. “He wouldn’t call you.”

  “Malachi, get up. A school boy kicked your ass?” Pete asks, pulling the big guy up.

  The big guy grumbles unhappily. He’s strong but slower than take away on your lunch break. I was faster, and that saved my ass. I can’t dodge a bullet though, and right now Pete looks like he is going to kill me. I keep thinking of getting shot. Maybe I’m just shit scared of guns.

  Malachi doesn’t say anything but keeps grumbling under his breath as he walks off and disappears through a door to the left.

  Pete motions for me to follow him, and we go through the same door he exited.

  It’s just a room. I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t a table with six chairs and an overhead lamp. There are no pictures on the wall. No stacks of cash. Just us, the table, the lamp, and another door to the left.

  “Seems you have quite the punch. Do you do kung fu or something?” Pete asks me.

  “Or something,” I answer.

  “These boys are going on a drop tonight. If you are serious, which I believe you are because you showed up, you go with them. If the drop is a success, you will do another one tomorrow. The same for the night after that. If you do well, I can send you out on your own. Which means more money for you. If you don’t, well…” Pete’s voice trails off on the last part. I’m not really worried about the other deals or if I’ll do well. This is a one-time deal for me.

  “Okay,” is all I say, because what else can I say?

  The three guys get up, and Pete dismisses me with a bored flick of his hand. I follow the three guys to a black van. The windows are tinted a solid black, which makes it impossible to see inside. I climb into the back with one of the other guys, relieved that I can still see out the windows and know where we are going. We take the road toward “gang central”. That’s what the town folk are calling this small rural area. And that’s really all it is—a small settlement on the outskirts of the town. We stop at a small tuck shop with black gang graffiti sprayed all over the front walls. Two guys are sitting on the steps leading into the shop, puffing on a hookah pipe. The guys I’m with, whose names I don’t know, get out of the van, the last guy grabbing a black duffel bag from the seat next to him.

  “Stay next to me and keep quiet. If anything goes wrong, go back to the warehouse. If you have to fight to get there, do it. But this should be easy, in and out.”

  I just nod to this because I really don’t know what to say.

  We enter the shop through the front door and stand at the counter. The sweet scent of the hookah tobacco hangs heavy in the air. The guy behind the counter presses a button, and another guy comes through a curtain at the back. The three guys with me walk towards him and I follow. I look around the shop and notice a camera on the back wall. A little high tech for a small tuck shop selling groceries in the middle of nowhere.

  When we get inside, there are three more guys waiting in the room. The leader of our group walks toward the table and opens the bag. The owner of the shop looks inside and lifts another black duffel bag onto the table. He opens it and our guy looks inside. They both nod. Done. We walk back to the van and drive back into town.

  DAY THREE

  When you are feeling irritated, even the smallest of things can piss you off. The sun is my enemy and the source of my irritation this morning. The soft yellow rays shining through my window taunt me and remind me of my restless night. I didn’t sleep a wink last night. I did a drug deal last night. Well, not exactly. I went along for the ride, I saw the exchange. Other than that, I don’t know what the hell was going on or what my purpose was in the whole set up. I also don’t know the names of the guys I was with last night. No one seemed to think it was necessary to do introductions. No, “Hi I’m dumb, I’m dumber, and you are dumbest, because you don’t know shit” was even considered last night. Maybe it’s against the rules to know each other’s name. Hell if I know.

  One thing I do know is that last night put $40 into my pocket. That is four times as much as I make working an afternoon after school. I’m still not sure if this is what I want to do. My head is even more wacked out now. I told myself it was a one-time deal, but the prospects are looking good. If this is what I get for witnessing a drug exchange, what would I get if I do a deal on my own?

  On the drive back last night, the driver said that the three of them were a team. They never split up. I don’t know if I can trust anybody. I don’t know if I can trust them. Will I be a part of their team, or will I get my own team? Will I be moved to another team? I don’t know these guys from a bar of soap, but they seem okay, so I wouldn’t mind staying in their team.

  There’s a loud bang on my door, followed by Mia shouting my name. I pull the pillow over my head, but I can still hear her. She shouts louder. I throw the pillow off.

  “Yeah?” I finally shout back.

  “Come on, you promised me a new bikini for our holiday!” she whines.

  Why did I do that? I don’t want to go to the mall with her and Jenna. I want to stay in bed. I pull the pillow back over my head and groan into it loudly.

  “Kyle, come on!” she shouts again, this time banging on the door. I smile because I know what her face looks like right now. I’m sure she’s scowling with her hands planted on her hips. So even though my body hates me for it, I leave my unhelpful bed and head for the shower.

  ***

  I’m so glad I’m a guy. I can take some hair goop and just make a big mess of my head and it looks good. Twenty minutes later I’m standing outside waiting by Jenna’s car. It figures they would hound me to hurry up and I end up waiting for them. Jenna drives a yellow bug. It fits her perfectly. And not just because she likes gardening; there is something cute about this car, just like Jenna. I’m so corny I crack myself up sometimes. Who compares a girl to a car? Or a bug?

  The girls finally make their way out of the house and over to the car. Both of them give me a weird look, and without any words being said, Jenna hands me the keys.

  “I’m not driving this,” I say, holding the keys back out to Jenna. Her bottom lip juts out, and her blue eyes go big and soft. Is she really giving me puppy dog eyes? She’s been spending too much time with Mia.

  “No,” I say again more firmly and try to hand her the keys back.

  “Ah, come on, Kyle. Please drive us,” Mia asks sweetly. She looks at Jenna and gives her a wink.

  Jenna’s eyes dart to her house before she gives a hesitant step forward. I can feel my eyebrows rise to meet my hairline. She steps closer to me and places her mouth next to my ear. When she speaks her breath tickles me.

  “Please?” she whispers, soft and sweet and just a little bit sexy, before
she steps back again. Just one word and I’m in horny teenager mode. I swear if I don’t get a handle on these feelings I’m going to end up humping her leg. I push the button on the fob a little harder than necessary and get into the car. Not because I’m caving to their begging, but because I’m hiding the evidence of my body’s desire to go camping. The steering wheel crushes my legs, and when I bend down to adjust the seat, I almost slam my head into the dash. Mia smiles at me like she knows what is happening, and Jenna slides into the backseat next to her. When did my sister get so devious? Or maybe she just likes seeing me crammed up like an elephant in a porta-loo.

  “Okay, I’ll drive but I’m not listening to this crap,” I say turning down some kind of polka-pop song. I search through Jenna’s CDs and find a compilation rock album. Now, that I can listen to. I turn the music up louder and steer the car in the direction of the mall.

  I’m mildly aware of the conversation the girls are having in the back seat. Their voices are chipper and high pitched. It sounds like they are having a speak-a-thon. The winner being whoever can cram the most words into a second. Mia sounds like she is going to spontaneously combust. Jenna has a huge smile on her face, and when she catches me looking at her in the mirror, her smile gets even bigger. I smile back at her; their cheery mood is rubbing off on me.

  As soon as we pull into the parking lot of the mall, both girls start talking to me at the same time. Mia is the closest to me, so I cover her mouth with my hand. She rolls her eyes and places her hands on her hips. She looks like an impatient preschooler.

  “I don’t care where you go or what you buy. But use the money wisely. I’m not following you two around, pushing your trolley, or giving you my opinion on anything. I’m too tired for that shit. Send me a text when you are done,” I tell them both.

  With a last eye roll, Mia nods her head, and I remove my hand from her mouth.

  “Ewe, Kyle, that’s disgusting,” Mia moans while wiping her mouth on her sleeve.