Guard My Heart Read online

  “I shouldn't be, Mia. This is not you. I will always be like this,” he says moving his hand indicating himself. “I saw you staring at that guy.”

  Jase doesn't look at me while he spews the venom now festering in my heart.

  “What the fuck do you know about me, Jase? Nothing! Don't pretend you know me. I wasn't staring at Aiden. I could never be with someone like Aiden. He doesn't deserve someone as fucked up as me. No one does.” My voice is harsh and tears clog my throat. Damn him. I light another smoke and watch as Jase leaves through the backdoor.

  Seeing him leave breaks my heart, and the tears force their way up to my eyes. And that makes me mad. I squeeze my eyes closed so hard I see little white spots flickering behind my eye lids. All I can think of is Jase leaving. A huge sob travels up my chest, but I refuse to let it escape. It hurts like hell. A couple of days I've known this guy and already I'm a mess. This is going to end badly for me. I don’t know when Aiden left. I just hope it was before I started screaming at Jase. I take two quick drags from my smoke. I pull up the sleeve of my jersey. The burn of yesterday is still red, and it taunts me from my wrist. Happy birthday to me, I think before the familiar pain clouds my brain.

  Physical pain I can handle. Your nerves firing off rapid little messages to your brain to tell it you are hurting. That I can handle. But this, this heart-crushing melancholy that claws at your soul. This fucking sadness fighting its way through your heart, systematically ripping it apart, until all you have left is a shredded mess in a cardboard box. This is killing me.

  The smell of flesh burning slides down my nose and flips my stomach. I drop the cigarette and stomp my foot on it fiercely. I take a couple of deep breaths before I see him. Oh god, I'm going to be sick. THUD, THUD, THUD. Oh no, please no.

  “Don't fuck with me, Mia,” Jase says, getting in my face. I swear little lightning bolts flash in his eyes, or that could just be me hallucinating. Because right now he is squeezing the ever-loving life out of my burnt wrist. I try to pull my wrist away, but Jase won't let go.

  “You want pain, I will give you so much pain you won't know what hit you,” Jase growls at me, increasing his hold on my wrist. I stumble a step back, trying to get away from him. But he won’t let me go. He is scaring the crap out of me. He is going to break my fucking wrist if he keeps this up. Is that his plan? Is that what he meant by showing me pain? He takes a smoke out of his pocket and lights it up. The cherry burns bright red and hot as he drags quick sharp pulls on it. He smiles at me before bringing the cigarette over to where his other hand is holding my wrist. I straighten and look him dead in the eye, daring him to do it. I'm not afraid of pain, but then his eyes turn cruel and his mouth twists as he brings the cherry closer to his hand.

  “No, no, NO!!!” I scream at him. My heart thuds fast and frantic. My blood roars in my ears. There's no place on his beautiful body for scars. I bring my other hand around and slap him as hard as I can across his face. I swear he fucking growls at me.

  “You don't get to hurt me, Mia! Or yourself!” he yells at me before pushing me away so hard I land on my ass.

  “Fuck you, Jase, fuck you!” I shout out between my sobs.

  “Another thing you don't get to do,” he says before slamming the back door shut behind him.

  I don't look at Alec or Livvy or Aiden as I leave. I grab my backpack and run through the door, ignoring their confused voices calling after me. I don’t stop until I’m all the way down the street. I scrub at my eyes, surely smearing liner all over my face. I should’ve checked my face before leaving, but I couldn't risk anyone in that parlor seeing me like this. I can't go back to school, so I do what I was going to do later in any case. I go to Lou's pawn shop looking for Mom’s ring. I refuse to think of Jase and his stupid reaction. So he has a temper, a big, scary, friggin’ temper. That doesn't mean he can take it out on me. He should stay out of my business.

  By the time I reach Lou’s, my breathing has evened out and I'm in more control of myself. He buzzes me in when he sees it’s me at the door. He is a friendly old man with round little glasses and a bald head.

  “Hi Mia, happy birthday!”He smiles at me. I'm at the right place. This is where Mom came. She always comes here when we are in a pinch.

  “Hi Lou, thanks. It’s been an interesting one. Did Mom bring her ring here?” No need to beat around the bush.

  “You always were too clever for your own good. She meant well, Mia, she didn't sell it. She will fetch it when things look up. I can't ever sell that ring, you know that,” he pacifies me gently while pulling a small book closer. How this old man stays in business with such a good heart I don't know.

  “I just need to know how much, Lou, so I can make sure she gets it back,” I say, looking at the little book on the counter. He pushes the book toward me and flips through the pages before pointing to Mom’s signature at the bottom of the page. I nod and smile at him. He presses the button underneath his desk and buzzes me out.

  Now where do I go? I don't want to go back to school, my class is almost finished. And I don't want to go back to the tattoo parlor, even though I should if I want to help Mom pay Lou back. Alec pays me a couple bucks every week to help clean up at night. Other than that, I make coffee or hand out pamphlets or, if I’m lucky, suggest designs to some of the people who come in. It’s a pity job but one I enjoy, so I don't complain. I'm learning while working, and maybe someday I’ll do a tattoo myself. All of these things that I’m not doing right now. No work no pay.

  I don't know how I got here, but I find myself standing at the church where my brother’s memorial stone is set. No grave, just a marble stone with his name on it. You can’t bury someone if you don’t have a body. I should’ve brought flowers, but then how do you bring the brother you killed flowers? Instead, I place a kiss on the marble stone with his name on.

  “I love you, Kyle.” I whisper with my head pressed against the stone. I miss Kyle so much. Every day I think of ways I could’ve stopped that jump.

  Hanging out with Mom sounds like a good idea. I walk through the house to the kitchen. Mom has the radio on. She really is in a good mood today.

  “Hi.” She greets me cheerily with a big smile on her face. I start to smile back until my eyes fall on Jase sitting at the table drinking coffee. What is he doing here? Did he tell Mom what happened this afternoon? No, she wouldn't be smiling like that at me if he did.

  “What are you doing here?” I say, sounding as well-mannered as a bull.

  “Mia, that’s awfully rude!” Mom says sternly.

  I look between her and Jase. He has his hoodie down, and his face is a smiley, happy mess. I fight the urge to smother it in kisses while smashing it in repeatedly.

  “Uh, sorry, you didn't say you were coming over. I'm surprised is all,” I explain.

  “All good, Mia. I just came over to invite your mom to your little party at the parlor tonight,” Jase says.

  God, that little grin is super cute. Mom claps her hands like a damn teenager. I half expect her to squeal, but she just looks at me, waiting for me to confirm that it’s okay if she comes. I smile at her, and the smile she's sporting on her face threatens to wrap around her face.

  “That's done then. Thank you, Mrs. Andrews,” Jase says while standing and walking over to me. I can't help but wonder what he said to Mom. That thought makes me so nervous my tummy starts churning. Jase doesn't say anything else as Mom confirms that we will see him later. He just takes my hand and leads me outside where he stands leaning against the closed front door.

  “What?” I ask him.

  He just stares at me until I feel the heat rise on the back of my neck. I pull my sleeves over my hands and look down at our feet. My new boots are a few inches away from his old sneakers.

  “Do you need a ride to the parlor?” I shake my head no. My pride won’t let me. We can walk. This guy is so damn moody I don't want him anywhere near my mom.

  “See you at five,” is all he says before I'm once again star
ing at his back, feeling confused. This guy has moods tenfold, each one of them causing whiplash that rivals the worst rollercoaster.

  I sigh loudly when I enter the house. Time to face the music. Mom is still in the kitchen when I go back inside. A fresh cup of coffee waits for me at the table. I sit down at my usual spot and sip my coffee, waiting for Mom to say something. It’s quiet for a long time, but I know she wants to speak. I can see it brewing in her eyes.

  “He seems nice. A bit intense for such a young man, but nice. He says you guys go to school together? You haven't had any new friends in a while,” she says finally. Mentally, I'm sighing myself into the floor even though I knew these questions were coming. I knew it the second he left me standing at the front door. The thought makes me scowl. He is always walking away from me. I shake that thought off and answer Mom as calmly as possible.

  “He’s new. I don't know much about him. We are at school together, and he just started working at the parlor. That's about it, Mom. Sorry,” I say.

  Shit, I really know nothing about Jase. Then why in the hell did he come here? Why is he still having a party for me?

  ***

  Mom is still humming under her breath as we walk the couple of blocks to the parlor. I have my hoodie on, and Mom is wearing her nicest and only coat. It’s not cold, but there's a slight chill in the air. Mom grabs my hand and I look up at her. She's smiling big and bright. I look over at the parlor to see what she is smiling at. There is a big banner hanging in the front window saying “HAPPY BDAY, MIA” with about a dozen brightly colored balloons. I shake my head and pull her across the street. She squeezes my hand a little before I reach for the door to open it, but Jase beats me to it and holds it open for us. They greet each other, and I follow Mom when she walks past him. I almost want to hold my breath when I pass him, but instead my body betrays me, and I take a big whiff through my nose. He really does smell too damn good.

  “You like that, Mia?” he whispers close to my ear. The warm breath tickling my cheek smells like mint gum and cigarettes.

  “Huh?” I pretend to be confused and not know what he’s asking me. I squint up at him. Jase flashes me a wink before walking away. I take Mom over to Alec and thank him for the balloons that are not only hanging outside but inside as well.

  “Wasn’t me. Was Jase,” Alec says while tipping the beer he’s holding in Jase’s direction. He is talking to some people I don’t know. That guy really is a jigsaw puzzle. I thought the party was off after the fight we had this afternoon, but then I get home and there he is inviting Mom to the party he organized. Then he gets me balloons and a banner? What am I supposed to think of that? Mom and I listen to Alec and Livvy chat to Aiden about his recent tattoo. I've gotten a handful of friends in the last few days. All of them scattered around the room. There are also some people I don’t recognize here tonight. I search the room with my eyes, stopping on all my new friends:

  1. Jase—dark and moody, angel and demon, exotic beauty and lost little boy.

  2. Lewis—now this one I'm not sure of, he teases too much.

  3. James—sexy but sweet, little charmer.

  4 Aiden—sun god, damn, he has great skin, all bronzed and tanned.

  My mental giggle is interrupted when Jase walks over with Jenna.

  “Happy birthday, Mia,” Jenna says, smiling wide before stuffing a big box into my arms. I smile through the shocked haze in my head and see Jase introduce her to everybody else in our small circle. She hugs Mom before Jase pushes her forward to Lewis, who as usual is flirting his ass off. I can't seem to take my eyes off Jase’s hand on Jenna’s lower back; it’s just high enough to look intimate but not low enough to suggest anything. Inside, I'm throwing a vicious hissy fit, probably stomping my foot right through the hardwood floor. Why else would Jenna be here…if she wasn't here with Jase? That thought makes Dark spit fire, and I can already hear the words forming in my head: unworthy, not pretty enough, dull, boring. Oh, I’m sure Dark can make a pretty breaking poem with that, but I’m not listening to a demoralizing shitstorm right now. I shake my head hard and squeeze my eyes shut. Fuck Dark, she doesn't get to ruin my night. Damn it, I need a smoke! But I can't smoke now. Mom doesn't know about my little habit, and I'd like to keep it that way.

  I'm so lost inside my own skull I don't see Lewis come up to me until he has me flung over his shoulder. I squeak like a mouse caught in a trap before my mind tells me I should probably clock him one. Then I hear the chanting and look around at the smiling faces surrounding me. My eyes stop on the one face that also stops my heart, reverses my lungs, and turns my knees to mush. If Lewis puts me down now, I’ll surely land on my ass. Jase doesn't stop smiling, not even when Lewis drops me so close to him I lose my balance and grab onto his shoulders. His arms circle lazily around my waist, and he holds me steady. God, I could stare into his eyes forever. The look in his eyes makes me want to believe he feels the same. That he can stay right here and just stare at me. Then his eyes shift to the right, and I drop my arms to my side. He is probably wondering what Jenna would think of all this.

  “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…” he sings. His voice is rich and smooth and completed by rugged edges. The sound reminds me of melted chocolate over peppermint candy. Smooth and delicious with some crunchy bits in-between. I look at Jase with what I'm sure is the most hideous, enormous smile before I cover my red face with my hands.

  Livvy places the small pink and black cake onto the table next to me. At least it only has one candle on it. Nineteen would’ve required way to much air to blow out. When everyone joins Jase in the song, I swear the sound is so loud the roof rattles.

  My head jerks up when Lewis belts out, “You look like a stripper, and I wish you’d act like one too.”

  I laugh even harder. My tummy hurts and tears spring to my eyes. I wipe my eyes with my sleeves. I try to take deep breaths to blow out the candle, but I just start laughing again.

  “Blow out your candle, Mia, and make a wish,” Jase says next to me. My body instinctively turns to the owner of that voice. It’s like an invisible rubber band snaps my body to his. I didn't know he was standing this close to me, and I find myself nose to chin with Jase. A soft chuckle escapes his lips, and he takes a step back to look at me.

  “Make a wish,” he says again, nodding his chin toward the cake. I take a step forward and close my eyes. I wish for the same thing I wished this morning. I wish for Jase. I smile and blow out the candle before looking at everybody clapping around me.

  “Here,” Jase says, stuffing a piece of paper into my palm. I smile up at him before focusing on unfolding it. Drawn onto the white page in what I swear must be the damn sexiest handwriting I've ever seen is the one word:

  BELIEVE

  Just the one word, nothing else. I look up at Jase confused, but he just stares back at me, his face giving nothing away. I fold the page, and put it in my skirt pocket.

  “Um…I have to go check on Mom,” I mumble to escape his intense stare. I find her chatting to Alec, sipping coffee and eating cake. I walk up to them and steal the piece she's just broken off with her fork.

  “Mmm, it’s good,” I say, looking at her and Alec.

  “Livvy made it,” Alec mumbles with his mouth full.

  “No shit!” I say, laughing before remembering Mom is sitting in front of me. I apologize quickly and sit down next to her. They pick up their conversation, and then I wish I hadn't come over. They are talking about Kyle. Eleven months has not been long enough for me to get over my brother’s death. It brings a cloud of darkness over my thoughts, and a big ball of sorrow sticks in my throat. I stand up and smile at Mom and Alec.

  “I'm going to get something to drink. Anybody need anything?” I ask.

  Alec and Mom shake their heads together, but Mom’s eyes linger on my face a moment too long, like she’s looking for a sign that I’m not okay. I turn and walk away before she sees my bluff. I pass Aiden and Jenna chatting closely together on the couch. If she h
urts Jase, I will snitch on her ass! I have to find Lewis or Jase or anybody with a damn smoke before Mom looks for me. Jenna sees me looking around the room and waves me over. I smile and relax my impatient lungs with a deep breath.

  “Hi Mia, how are you enjoying your party so far?” she asks, smiling brightly at me. I can’t help but notice how close she and Aiden are sitting next to each other. I narrow my eyes on the tiny space left between them. She sees my reaction and moves closer to Aiden and pats the space on the arm rest. I take a seat and answer her as politely as possible.

  “Its fine, thanks. Are you guys having a good time?”

  “It’s great, thanks for having me here, Mia,” Aiden says. And he sounds really polite. Well mannered, not like me. Instantly I feel bad for being rude to Jenna. For all I know they are just chatting, or my jealous brain could’ve seen something between her and Jase that wasn’t even there.

  “I’m glad you guys are having fun. You should dance,” I say a little more friendly. It’s hard not liking Jenna. She’s good people.

  Aiden laughs. “No, fancy suits like me can’t get down with the moves you wild ones pull off these days,” he says looking embarrassed. Jenna giggles next to him and jabs her elbow into his ribs softly. “I was just joking with you when I said that,” she says blushing. “Aiden is in marketing at the bank,” she explains to me. “Yeah? I’m sorry, but that does sound like a boring fancy suit job,” I say, biting back a giggle when Aiden runs his hand over his face. I can see he is trying to hide a smile. A banker with a tribal, go figure.

  I leave Aiden and Jenna on the couch joking about what kind of tattoos a guy in a suit can or cannot have.

  I have to find a cigarette soon. My lungs are starting to think I’m healthy again. I find Lewis, but he is tucked away in a corner kissing some girl senseless. He obviously doesn’t have a problem with PDA. His hands roam up over her jeaned thighs before he cups her behind in both his hands. I'm glad they are tucked away in this dark corner. I wouldn't want Mom to see this. He lifts the girl up, and she wraps her legs around his hips. A strange feeling spreads through my belly. My experience stops at a few kisses. I've never done anything like this. How old is Lewis anyway?